Frailty of the Spirit

Being human is an experience. It is one though that I do not relish. I hate how unpredictable people are fueled by their emotions and lack of respect. Disheartening is an understatement. I will never comprehend how you can be infatuated with someone in one moment and then throw them away like common trash the next. The value we place on the lives of others is disgusting. So self absorbed and concerned.Only thinking about yourselves and what you want out of this life. There is so much more that life is about than the material things. Yet you cling to them. You search them out and refuse to stop until you have more and more. When is enough enough? Do you even know? This here will usher in the fall of man. Until you get past you simple thoughts and self focus and bring balance back to this world there will be no hope. 

Man In the Mirror

Whew, Man here we go. Something I have spent a lifetime thinking about. I am digging real deep with these words so bear with me while you read this. A lifetime of thoughts and emotions into one single post. Events of late revealed to me it is time to tell my story. My lessons are a way to teach others to realize who they are and what they are capable of. Too many of us live in fear and afraid of what others think of us. We like to stay in the box that society has created for us. That way people know how to approach us and what to think of us. Perception is everything to so many people and governs daily life. I still fall victim to it sometimes but I fight daily to free my mind of such confining thoughts which leads to destructive behavior. Now let's get to getting. 

What I write here I make no apologies for. I do not filter myself because then I become a puppet and fall victim to the conditioning we are all told is acceptable. I am always respectful and courteous. I always welcome discussion if it comes from a place of respect and the other party is knowledgeable and has a sound argument based on solid evidence and fact. If you come at me with how you feel and what you think without any foundation, I will dismiss you quicker than a woman of color on the Bachelor. Don't try it. 

This week our nation witnessed one of the most deadly shootings in our history. We all have heard about it. We have seen the sympathy and the support. We also have seen the tremendous outpouring of hate and neglect for the Queer community. Yup I said Queer and I will use that term. The LQBTQI and God knows who else is out there is becoming too much. Lets stick to one name and brand it. 

I just find it funny those saying pray for Orlando today were screaming how much they hate Trans and Gay people last week, but I digress. Telling me you are praying for me is like saying the old southern saying of "Bless your heart". We all know that is the polite old lady way of saying F you LOL. Take it as you please but with me if you say I'm praying for you I will return that prayer to you my friend. Get where I am going. Be authentic. Show me what you are doing to show compassion. Write a message of hope and inspiration. Get out and do consistent work and lead by example. Stop building these mega churches and monstrosities. Bro if you think that is God you are learning the wrong lesson. Jesus used to hang with people like me. The real folks who were on a path of learning and spirituality. The ones who lived in the world but had a relationship with the Big Man upstairs. He got that. Not the ones who relished in their religion, danced for their own glory and made sure everyone knew how Holy and Sanctified they were. He spoke of these people they were called Pharisees. Remember them? Read up again kiddos and see who you look the most like. 

Now let's get to me and my struggle. No I don't like the word struggle. I will say awakening. From childhood I knew I was different. I did not fit into the box I was supposed to fit in. I was always smarter, more intelligent and just good at things. Things I wasn't the best at I worked hard and became a contender. Oh man writing this is harder than I thought it would be. There is a level of vulnerability when you put yourself and life out for the world to see. You risk being judged, criticized and open yourself up for attack when you are this vulnerable. However, I know it is something I have to do and just got to roll with it. Sexuality is something that is fluid. We are taught it is dirty, a no no and the thing we don't like to address. That is wrong. How did we all get here? Somebody has to get it on. Its natural and we need to learn to not be so ashamed of what makes us who we are. 

Now with saying that there is this teaching that we are wired to be attracted to the opposite sex only and anything else is an anomaly. Here is what I don't get. If we are all created in the image of God and designed from his master design how can a person who loves someone of their own sex be an error? Yes we get into the whole choice thing, etc. but lets dive into that. Most think of me as the guy who had everything. Before I came out to my family and friends I was seen as an inspiration and everyone wanted to know how everything I touched turned to gold. Now I wish you could be me. To see the faces of old classmates and family when they look at me. They couldn't careless about what I have done in my life, how I barely made it out of law school, how I went to school full time, worked during the day and worked overnight, how I struggled to pay my bills and get by. How through all the adversity and trials I made it and become the first person in my family to accomplish one of the highest degrees to date. I passed the bar on my first attempt when I was told by my school I would fail and should probably not do it. Nope. They look at me like I am broken. Like something is wrong with me. They don't have to say it. You can see and feel it. I try not to dwell on it but it hurts. Some are more vocal and make sure you know how they feel and that is fine. I choose here to quiet my soul and not let the rage take over. I know what I can do and if I was that man many lives would be ruined right now. But I travel the high road. I even had one family member I helped with an issue and he told me that even though the family says such things about me, most of whom I have helped and never said anything to my face about me being me, that I was okay in his book. That hit me hard. I said damn. I got where he was coming from but that there was tough. I am still me. The same kid who grew up with you. Who played with you as a kid. Who shared those birthdays, family reunions, soccer games and football glory days. I just stopped living a lie. 

I fought my whole life trying to figure out who I was. I had to go on a journey to figure that out. i knew that me staying in a private school that I couldn't find it there. That was tough. My perception of the world was forever changed. I saw the religious for who they really are. I started to question and I was rejected. I used to sit in my dorm room at night so confused and fragile. Constantly ridiculed on campus but thank goodness I had great friends and my grandparents close to be there for me. I will always be grateful to them for that. One night my Sophomore year of college I was laying in bed one night in Ornelas Hall and broke into tears. I asked God what is wrong with me? Why did you make me this way? Why did you subject me to a life of being constantly hated and pushed away for being who I am? Then God spoke to me in the clearest voice. He said there is nothing wrong with you. I made you that way for a reason. I took the deepest comfort and solace in that. I could finally stop living this made for TV movie and figure out who the hell I am. 

So when people say being gay is a choice, you are right. You have a choice to live a lie or live in your truth. I have always found other guys attractive. Now let me clarify something so that some of you reading this don't get all crazy and weird. Just because another person of your sex finds other people of that sex attractive does NOT mean they find you attractive. Okay? If you aren't a looker to women dudes and they are not clawing at your door to get them draws guess what? I am probably right there with them. Aight, now that that is settled let's move on. I swore to myself I would never ever marry someone just to convince others I am living the prescribed life for me. That would not be fair to my wife and children. I would always want to know what if and if I strayed from that path I could not forgive myself. You can say whatever you want about me but one thing you cannot call me is a liar. I have tried my best to be honest and straight forward with everyone. Its easier that way. 

Now its out there but just because you think I am gay that isn't exactly the truth. Do I still find women beautiful? Yes. Do I find transgender people both FTM and MTF beautiful? Yes. Honestly I am about the connection with the person. I honestly do not care what life you life as long as you live in your own truth. There is nothing more attractive than a person who is confident and strong with who they are. Nothing. And honestly what I do with my life is my business. Like RuPaul says "If they ain't paying your bills, don't pay them heifers no mind."

I wrote all of this to make a point. This shooting this week could have been avoided. This tortured soul was fighting this battle. How can I honor my God and still be true to myself? He was living under the perception that God comes from religion. Wrong. Religion can be a good tool to lead you to God but Religion without spirituality is government. Think on it. I learned that and I am loving my spiritual journey. Being able to be free to learn and study without the confinements and being in this tiny box is so liberating. I know so so so so many men and women who want to be free and just love how they feel but cannot because of what others would do to them. Names tarnished and tossed in the dirt. Their lives could be destroyed. If you are one of these people and just need someone to talk to please reach out to me. Everything is completely confidential and even if you want I can throw some Attorney Client Privilege on it. Remember we are Attorneys and Counselors at Law. Some of us aren't as good at the counseling part but I think I do a damn good job. 

Am I afraid of the judgment and having my soul cast into the everlasting fire pit of hell to burn for eternity? Boy bye. Man I cannot wait to begin teaching so many things that are contrary to the mainstream unquestioned and unchallenged belief systems. Some call it dangerous and sacrilegious. Well they said the same thing about women and colored people voting. About opposite races marrying. We can go on and on. There is no deception in the truth. Strip those chains and begin to feel. Connect with God truly and let God speak to you, not those decades of conditioning. You can think outside of what is being sold to you. You are allowed to feel. It is not perverted and dangerous. It is life. Live it. 

Too many of us leave this world with regrets and asking what if. I will not. I will say I tried and I lived this life of mine. I did everything I could and experienced what I wanted to. If just half of ya'll spent your time working on your own spiritual life and figuring out who you were I can testify that you wouldn't have any time to spend talking about how others live their lives. So before you decided to share this post and say "You see what he wrote? You know he talking about us!" or investing hours tearing someone down, how about you refocus that energy in building someone or yourself up. Stop running around here all high and mighty with those proverbial sticks up your butts. You actually might start enjoying your life and guess what people might even start to like you. Voodoo. I know. All about perspective. Marinate on that kiddos. On that note I bid you all a good night. 

Be Blessed. 

Justin 

Rebuilding

I wasn't intending to write this post at all but it is necessary. Its funny how things happen to bring out the right things at the right time. The past two days I have been being feeling on edge and unsettled. I decided to go dance last night at Zumba to get things back on track. Great class and after I was invigorated all night. This meant a hard time getting to sleep. I caught up on my latest Dance Moms episode and saw that Fuller House was being released on Netflix tonight. 2am rolled around and boom there it was. I started to watch and wow. So many memories. I got 3/4 of the way through and decided to call it a night. All of this will connect soon so keep reading. I am laying the puzzle pieces out slowly.

Work has been crazy to say in the least this week. So much confusion. I also was told after 3 months of interviewing I was passed over for another position. I am not upset but disappointed. I hate wasting time. Americans are too systematically polite and it causes too much confusion instead of saying no from the get. My current employer let us know that we would receive an email when to come in today due to technical issues. At 9:30am it finally came in and 11am arrival time. I opted out and will return Monday once things even out and they figure out what they need to do. Also this weekend I am judging a ton of cheer tryouts and will be heading to Houston to move out the last of my stuff.

About a week ago I called my mom and asked about the pups. She said they are fine and missing me. I miss them so much and I know our reunion is coming soon. But I am worried. Soon I will have my own place and a job. I will have to again take care of them by myself. I am terrified. The last time almost broke me. I was so overwhelmed and hurt. Now they stay outside so much at mom's and have someone to watch them most of the day. They are rarely crated and I am going to have to put them back into that life. Yes I can hire a sitter, walker, and send them to daycare but I feel I need to be there for them. Also my student loans are kicking in faster than I expected so everything is solely on me. Two years ago it was different. I can take care of me alone but now I have two defenseless beings who depend on me for everything. Its terrifying.

Now the connection. Today since I decided to stay in and prepare for the weekend I watched the last of Fuller House while eating breakfast. DJs family was preparing to leave and she was stressed out dealing with her three kids, all of their activities, moving, work and just life. She broke down and said she was terrified how she was going to make this work. I began to tear up during this part and literally cried for the next ten minutes because the emotions came rolling in like a wave. This was me. Everything she was experiencing and going through was my life exactly. Having her husband die and being left alone to run their worlds on her own. Its hard and exhausting. You can only be a super hero for so long. Her family stepped up to help and it is going to shape up to be a good season. I have had that and I am so thankful but I am beyond scared to be alone again. I never thought I would ever say that. I know I will find a way to make it but man I can't describe how terrified I am. Part of it is that I haven't fully healed yet. I don't know if I ever will only time will tell.

Stepping into this huge unknown is mystifying. I don't know how to feel. I am excited, scared, and apprehensive. Nothing is taking shape yet it is. Faith and hope can only take you so far. Sometimes you need a little solid evidence to show you guess what its getting better.

Despicable Me

I can tell you that this will be one of the rawest posts I have ever written. True vulnerability. But in order to change my life I have to put it out there in full honesty to bring the things in the dark to light.

Today was a hard day. It was trying. It was cold but I wasn't too cold. I was actually sweating when I went shopping this evening. My body didn't feel right. Something was off. I don't feel healthy. I don't feel like my body is operating right. That's because it isn't and it is telling me that I need to do something about it now. Time is up. Crisis mode is here. You have maxed out all of your IOUs, tomorrows and just one more days Justin. You are out of shape. You are morbidly obese. You are fat. You have to change your mindset to make a change. You have some muscle yes, but you have more fat than muscle so you have to change how you see yourself. Let go of the false image you see in your head and think that you are fine and one day you will make the change. Today I broke. Today hurt. I realized I am dying. I am literally killing myself. I probably have diabetes but I am scared to check. I know I have high blood pressure. My blood sugar is probably pure red liquid sugar.

I got ready this morning and put on my jeans. They were tight because I washed them. I then tied my shoes. It was touch getting down there because of my gut. I hate it. My back hurts. My feet hurt. I hate how my clothes fit. The shirts are too short in the front and I feel the wind against my belly. My sweatshirt will not stay down in the back because when I walk my pants ride up. Ugh I hate it. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I workout. I lift weights and do cardio. But it is not enough. The problem is that I have no discipline. I am not consistent. My life has been a living crisis for the past two years. I need stability. I need a base of operations so I can get to work on me. Always something else to deal with and handle. But things are better. I know now now much of an emergency I am now.

The problems are that I don't eat enough. I skip meals. I don't take my supplements. I eat dirty shit. Fried, sugar addiction, crap. I don't feed my body and now I have this blubber of a mess called a body to show for it. Nothing fits and I hate buying new clothes that are huge. Today I went to Kohl's and got new pants. Three sizes bigger than I should be. I went into the dressing room to try them on so I wouldn't waste money yet again on something I can't wear. They fit. I made eye contact with myself in the mirror. I was hot, sweaty, irritable, and annoyed. I held back the tears. How did I get here again man? Why? I can't blame Steve anymore. This is all me. My fault. My sin. My burden. My shame. I don't hate myself. I love myself. I have that self love because I know that I need and want the change. Life is so much harder being larger. Riding the train is uncomfortable. The chairs are work are a nightmare. Going to dance classes hurt. My feet get so sore and I can't move like I used to. I can't bring myself to teach again until I feel like I look the part. I don't have to be perfect but I have to drop weight first to get my body into teaching mode.

On the ride home from the store I realized I was disappointed in myself. I about cried 10x the whole night but I can't. This is who I am for now. I have a mission to complete. I have to fight my addiction for sugar. Fuck your fast foods. No more sweet tea, sweet drinks and desserts. I have to say no. No more bread and heavy items. Fried foods? Naw bro. Well in moderation after I make progress. I need green foods. Fruits and veggies. I have a plan man. I have to stick to it. I want to feel and look better. I feel like I have aged 10 years because of this. Thank God for the beard because my face is so round and plump now. I hate how my body is shaped. I gain weight in the weirdest spots. I don't feel attractive and have no passion to date anyone or even meet them because I don't like what I have to offer. I feel like the cheapest grade of ground beef out there full of fat when I should be God damn lean chuck shit!

It's okay. I won't buy into the crap we tell ourselves as Americans. Its ok to be unhealthy and overweight. No it isn't. I want a good long life. Healthy and strong. Fat is whack. Ain't that was Whitney said. I am better than tis version of me. Something for the last six months has been in my head saying go run. Just go run and start running. Everything will fall into place. I am so scared though. I don't want to be the fat guy everyone looks at on the street running. But I have to eat my pride and do this shit. I miss my clothes. I hate wearing things that only stretch so I can fit them. I hate blending in with the other obese folks in america. This isn't me. I got to let all of this go and now. Its time. Its been time. But now I am ready.