I wasn't intending to write this post at all but it is necessary. Its funny how things happen to bring out the right things at the right time. The past two days I have been being feeling on edge and unsettled. I decided to go dance last night at Zumba to get things back on track. Great class and after I was invigorated all night. This meant a hard time getting to sleep. I caught up on my latest Dance Moms episode and saw that Fuller House was being released on Netflix tonight. 2am rolled around and boom there it was. I started to watch and wow. So many memories. I got 3/4 of the way through and decided to call it a night. All of this will connect soon so keep reading. I am laying the puzzle pieces out slowly.
Work has been crazy to say in the least this week. So much confusion. I also was told after 3 months of interviewing I was passed over for another position. I am not upset but disappointed. I hate wasting time. Americans are too systematically polite and it causes too much confusion instead of saying no from the get. My current employer let us know that we would receive an email when to come in today due to technical issues. At 9:30am it finally came in and 11am arrival time. I opted out and will return Monday once things even out and they figure out what they need to do. Also this weekend I am judging a ton of cheer tryouts and will be heading to Houston to move out the last of my stuff.
About a week ago I called my mom and asked about the pups. She said they are fine and missing me. I miss them so much and I know our reunion is coming soon. But I am worried. Soon I will have my own place and a job. I will have to again take care of them by myself. I am terrified. The last time almost broke me. I was so overwhelmed and hurt. Now they stay outside so much at mom's and have someone to watch them most of the day. They are rarely crated and I am going to have to put them back into that life. Yes I can hire a sitter, walker, and send them to daycare but I feel I need to be there for them. Also my student loans are kicking in faster than I expected so everything is solely on me. Two years ago it was different. I can take care of me alone but now I have two defenseless beings who depend on me for everything. Its terrifying.
Now the connection. Today since I decided to stay in and prepare for the weekend I watched the last of Fuller House while eating breakfast. DJs family was preparing to leave and she was stressed out dealing with her three kids, all of their activities, moving, work and just life. She broke down and said she was terrified how she was going to make this work. I began to tear up during this part and literally cried for the next ten minutes because the emotions came rolling in like a wave. This was me. Everything she was experiencing and going through was my life exactly. Having her husband die and being left alone to run their worlds on her own. Its hard and exhausting. You can only be a super hero for so long. Her family stepped up to help and it is going to shape up to be a good season. I have had that and I am so thankful but I am beyond scared to be alone again. I never thought I would ever say that. I know I will find a way to make it but man I can't describe how terrified I am. Part of it is that I haven't fully healed yet. I don't know if I ever will only time will tell.
Stepping into this huge unknown is mystifying. I don't know how to feel. I am excited, scared, and apprehensive. Nothing is taking shape yet it is. Faith and hope can only take you so far. Sometimes you need a little solid evidence to show you guess what its getting better.
Friday, February 26, 2016
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Despicable Me
I can tell you that this will be one of the rawest posts I have ever written. True vulnerability. But in order to change my life I have to put it out there in full honesty to bring the things in the dark to light.
Today was a hard day. It was trying. It was cold but I wasn't too cold. I was actually sweating when I went shopping this evening. My body didn't feel right. Something was off. I don't feel healthy. I don't feel like my body is operating right. That's because it isn't and it is telling me that I need to do something about it now. Time is up. Crisis mode is here. You have maxed out all of your IOUs, tomorrows and just one more days Justin. You are out of shape. You are morbidly obese. You are fat. You have to change your mindset to make a change. You have some muscle yes, but you have more fat than muscle so you have to change how you see yourself. Let go of the false image you see in your head and think that you are fine and one day you will make the change. Today I broke. Today hurt. I realized I am dying. I am literally killing myself. I probably have diabetes but I am scared to check. I know I have high blood pressure. My blood sugar is probably pure red liquid sugar.
I got ready this morning and put on my jeans. They were tight because I washed them. I then tied my shoes. It was touch getting down there because of my gut. I hate it. My back hurts. My feet hurt. I hate how my clothes fit. The shirts are too short in the front and I feel the wind against my belly. My sweatshirt will not stay down in the back because when I walk my pants ride up. Ugh I hate it. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I workout. I lift weights and do cardio. But it is not enough. The problem is that I have no discipline. I am not consistent. My life has been a living crisis for the past two years. I need stability. I need a base of operations so I can get to work on me. Always something else to deal with and handle. But things are better. I know now now much of an emergency I am now.
The problems are that I don't eat enough. I skip meals. I don't take my supplements. I eat dirty shit. Fried, sugar addiction, crap. I don't feed my body and now I have this blubber of a mess called a body to show for it. Nothing fits and I hate buying new clothes that are huge. Today I went to Kohl's and got new pants. Three sizes bigger than I should be. I went into the dressing room to try them on so I wouldn't waste money yet again on something I can't wear. They fit. I made eye contact with myself in the mirror. I was hot, sweaty, irritable, and annoyed. I held back the tears. How did I get here again man? Why? I can't blame Steve anymore. This is all me. My fault. My sin. My burden. My shame. I don't hate myself. I love myself. I have that self love because I know that I need and want the change. Life is so much harder being larger. Riding the train is uncomfortable. The chairs are work are a nightmare. Going to dance classes hurt. My feet get so sore and I can't move like I used to. I can't bring myself to teach again until I feel like I look the part. I don't have to be perfect but I have to drop weight first to get my body into teaching mode.
On the ride home from the store I realized I was disappointed in myself. I about cried 10x the whole night but I can't. This is who I am for now. I have a mission to complete. I have to fight my addiction for sugar. Fuck your fast foods. No more sweet tea, sweet drinks and desserts. I have to say no. No more bread and heavy items. Fried foods? Naw bro. Well in moderation after I make progress. I need green foods. Fruits and veggies. I have a plan man. I have to stick to it. I want to feel and look better. I feel like I have aged 10 years because of this. Thank God for the beard because my face is so round and plump now. I hate how my body is shaped. I gain weight in the weirdest spots. I don't feel attractive and have no passion to date anyone or even meet them because I don't like what I have to offer. I feel like the cheapest grade of ground beef out there full of fat when I should be God damn lean chuck shit!
It's okay. I won't buy into the crap we tell ourselves as Americans. Its ok to be unhealthy and overweight. No it isn't. I want a good long life. Healthy and strong. Fat is whack. Ain't that was Whitney said. I am better than tis version of me. Something for the last six months has been in my head saying go run. Just go run and start running. Everything will fall into place. I am so scared though. I don't want to be the fat guy everyone looks at on the street running. But I have to eat my pride and do this shit. I miss my clothes. I hate wearing things that only stretch so I can fit them. I hate blending in with the other obese folks in america. This isn't me. I got to let all of this go and now. Its time. Its been time. But now I am ready.
Today was a hard day. It was trying. It was cold but I wasn't too cold. I was actually sweating when I went shopping this evening. My body didn't feel right. Something was off. I don't feel healthy. I don't feel like my body is operating right. That's because it isn't and it is telling me that I need to do something about it now. Time is up. Crisis mode is here. You have maxed out all of your IOUs, tomorrows and just one more days Justin. You are out of shape. You are morbidly obese. You are fat. You have to change your mindset to make a change. You have some muscle yes, but you have more fat than muscle so you have to change how you see yourself. Let go of the false image you see in your head and think that you are fine and one day you will make the change. Today I broke. Today hurt. I realized I am dying. I am literally killing myself. I probably have diabetes but I am scared to check. I know I have high blood pressure. My blood sugar is probably pure red liquid sugar.
I got ready this morning and put on my jeans. They were tight because I washed them. I then tied my shoes. It was touch getting down there because of my gut. I hate it. My back hurts. My feet hurt. I hate how my clothes fit. The shirts are too short in the front and I feel the wind against my belly. My sweatshirt will not stay down in the back because when I walk my pants ride up. Ugh I hate it. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I workout. I lift weights and do cardio. But it is not enough. The problem is that I have no discipline. I am not consistent. My life has been a living crisis for the past two years. I need stability. I need a base of operations so I can get to work on me. Always something else to deal with and handle. But things are better. I know now now much of an emergency I am now.
The problems are that I don't eat enough. I skip meals. I don't take my supplements. I eat dirty shit. Fried, sugar addiction, crap. I don't feed my body and now I have this blubber of a mess called a body to show for it. Nothing fits and I hate buying new clothes that are huge. Today I went to Kohl's and got new pants. Three sizes bigger than I should be. I went into the dressing room to try them on so I wouldn't waste money yet again on something I can't wear. They fit. I made eye contact with myself in the mirror. I was hot, sweaty, irritable, and annoyed. I held back the tears. How did I get here again man? Why? I can't blame Steve anymore. This is all me. My fault. My sin. My burden. My shame. I don't hate myself. I love myself. I have that self love because I know that I need and want the change. Life is so much harder being larger. Riding the train is uncomfortable. The chairs are work are a nightmare. Going to dance classes hurt. My feet get so sore and I can't move like I used to. I can't bring myself to teach again until I feel like I look the part. I don't have to be perfect but I have to drop weight first to get my body into teaching mode.
On the ride home from the store I realized I was disappointed in myself. I about cried 10x the whole night but I can't. This is who I am for now. I have a mission to complete. I have to fight my addiction for sugar. Fuck your fast foods. No more sweet tea, sweet drinks and desserts. I have to say no. No more bread and heavy items. Fried foods? Naw bro. Well in moderation after I make progress. I need green foods. Fruits and veggies. I have a plan man. I have to stick to it. I want to feel and look better. I feel like I have aged 10 years because of this. Thank God for the beard because my face is so round and plump now. I hate how my body is shaped. I gain weight in the weirdest spots. I don't feel attractive and have no passion to date anyone or even meet them because I don't like what I have to offer. I feel like the cheapest grade of ground beef out there full of fat when I should be God damn lean chuck shit!
It's okay. I won't buy into the crap we tell ourselves as Americans. Its ok to be unhealthy and overweight. No it isn't. I want a good long life. Healthy and strong. Fat is whack. Ain't that was Whitney said. I am better than tis version of me. Something for the last six months has been in my head saying go run. Just go run and start running. Everything will fall into place. I am so scared though. I don't want to be the fat guy everyone looks at on the street running. But I have to eat my pride and do this shit. I miss my clothes. I hate wearing things that only stretch so I can fit them. I hate blending in with the other obese folks in america. This isn't me. I got to let all of this go and now. Its time. Its been time. But now I am ready.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)