As the incense burns my mind opens. My heart calms and I can begin. My spirit has been urging me to write today. I was sitting at the office and I have been drawn to do this therefore it has to happen. I have no idea what words will appear here but I will just let my mind and soul flow and see what comes of it. So if these words some foreign or untamed, good. Appreciate that. Take a moment to absorb the message and understand. Break your traditional concepts and theories. Read this passage outside of the box. Stop trying to categorize everything and just feel the words as you take them in. You will understand and have a completely different experience if you let go.
We are entering the Winter Solstice. This is the time of the year where we have the shortest day and longest night of the transpiring. In a way it is a parallel to my year. Little light and a great deal of darkness. So lost, confused, hurt and abandoned. So many lows and so much pain. But now I am beginning to heal. Slowly. It needs to be slow. I need to rebuild myself into the person I am destined to be. This will take time. I need to appreciate the process. I need to understand why each thing is happening. Many spiritual leaders who have spoken to me have told me that I have always followed my heart. It has always led me on the right path and I need to continue to do that. I have a great destiny to fulfill. This time has taught me many lessons to shape and mold me. I have transcended the person I was each time shedding a layer and going deeper into a sense of self awareness and understanding.
The hardest part to explain to people who do not understand the process is the location. Why back and forth? If I truly knew I would tell you. But I do feel that is coming to an end. I see this anchor in my mind and have this deep yearning to go home. Until I get there my life will not have peace and this pain will not cease. I am not where I need to be. Imagine a fish trying to survive on the land when he needs water to survive. That is me. I sacrificed my water so that another could grow. It took me to the point of self destruction. Now I have the opportunity to do what I need for me without apologies and regret. I know where I need to be. I know where I need to go. It is already written and things are lining up to bring me there. Then I can begin my true work and start to shape myself to my higher purpose.
So many people tell me your life confuses me. Good. I am not to be understood by those who are not ready to understand. Have you tried to learn organic chemistry before you have taken Intro to Chem or Biology? No. There are concepts you need to master before you can move on. I am one of those. To the untrained mind this might come off as arrogant and prideful but that is the furthest from the truth. I am saying that when you only try to see what's on the surface and not dive deeper you will be confused and frustrated.
I don't question their lives because it is none of my business. Few truly know me and have seen me fully vulnerable. Those who understand see a different layer of me because they take the time to calm their minds and remove all the junk we are fed daily by the media and society. The see the struggle and comprehend the lessons from it. I am meant to teach and guide those lost along their journey. I have a spiritual gift where I can see and feel the pain, sorrow, joy and basically anything another person is going through. You can imagine it is a great gift and burden. I have to prepare myself mentally to go places because when I am out the anxious, chaotic and reckless energy is everywhere. It makes me so nervous and it is hard to absorb. I still have to master how to deflect all of that and walk in my own thoughts and feelings without taking on that of others. So I would rather stay home and enjoy an intimate evening with friends discussing moments over some wine instead of clubbing or partying. The thrill is gone.
I have made some goals for myself for 2016. It is a very important year. Time is up. I have to act. The first purpose is what I call the March to 80. What is that? 80 pounds have to go. I have to shed this weight. I never understood why it kept piling on then it hit me. Protection. I have been so hurt and used the past five years my body is terrified to let go of the weight. It feels I need to stay safe and keep it. I have to let it go and with that a lifetime of emotions and toxins. It is literally killing me. Its time to let it go. I have to do it for me. The drive is back. Its an obsession. I have been drawn to run for months now and I know that is how I will accomplish this task. I have to do it. I know where to go and who to help me along the way. It will be difficult. There will be tears, pain and hurt but I can start to peel away the layers of myself and once I am done see the man who has always been aside so scared to show himself.
Next I will do the things I want to do that give my heart joy. I miss and love dancing. A lot. It makes me sad I have lost that and I need it back. I want to share my photography skills with those who deserve it. I have done shoots I shouldn't have done and the end results frustrated me because my heart wasn't in it. I want to cook and create new things. I love sharing the amazing meals I have prepared with love with those I care about. I finally want to clean. I think I will take two clients each week and clean their homes as a side business. One day I would love to own my own cleaning service and Washateria. I love making dirty things clean. I bring order to chaos. I am a Libra. I need balance. I stand between the dark and the light. I am grey. If you know where that last statement comes from you will be my best friend.
So here it is. Written for all to see. I am a broken man healing. I am not perfect. I wanted to give up when I was torn apart and felt I had nothing left to give. I had to realize that I needed to live for me. It is fine to say no. I can ask for forgiveness and say I made a mistake and come home humbled and inspired. I miss joy. Hope. I see you. Thank you for coming back. You never left but my grief caused my eyes and heart to swell clouding my vision. I'm going home. Soon I can sit down as the sun hits my skin and I can say it is going to be okay. I am at peace and I can begin my work. The time is now.
Monday, December 21, 2015
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Light in Darkness
Yesterday I had the opportunity to sit down and speak to someone about life. She was able to help me understand a few things and get life back on track. She pulled me out of the darkness and was able to help me start the healing process. As soon as I finished speaking with her I had a huge test. I went to wash my truck and for some odd reason my truck decided to lock unexpectedly. It has never done that before. My keys, wallet and phone were right there in front of me. Locked in my truck and no way to get them. So I had to ask for help. Two hours and $65 later I was able to get home. Long day was an understatement.
I can tell you that during those two hours of not being distracted I started to think and hard. Your mind goes to some very hard places when you have to face reality. It started off as it will be okay. Then I started to question why were all these horrible things happening. I had done good things and have tried my best to help others when they needed it. Then I felt I was cursed and God hated me. Then it went to maybe there is no God and if He is there why would be keep rewarding those who do bad deeds and punish those who bring light to the world? I just didn't understand. I went into a moment of numbness waiting. I sat in the bed of the truck and decided to enjoy the nice weather and soak in the beautiful warm sun. Then I began to worry. If the locksmith did not arrive soon then there would be a new beast to tackle: darkness. When the sun sets the temp drops and fast. I had just left the gym so I was rocking a sleeveless shirt and was mighty sweaty. I only had a workout towel around my neck while I was wiping down the truck. I put in over my shoulders because the cold was coming. I decided to stand up and get moving. With no way to contact anyone and no knowing if help was coming it was rough. I was told the locksmith would be 45 minutes. Two hours later he arrives. He apologized and let me know that due to an apartment fire near by that he was really delayed. He tried his best to make it even taking back roads but he was blocked. I told him I wasn't going anywhere and glad he just arrived. After about 3 minutes to prying he got the truck open. I thanked him, paid and got moving. My sister sent our friend over to make sure I was fine. She arrived just as I was leaving.
I got home and just sat. I hadn't eaten all day and just felt numb. Its a weird feeling. I wasn't sad, upset, tired or irritated, I was just done. Done with being broken. Done with feeling like no one would help me. Done feeling stranded and abandoned. Done giving my everything to everyone else and then being shit out of luck. I learned this day I can still do great things but I am not meant to live a simple life. I am not meant to fit in. I am meant to ruffle feathers, to speak out, to call people out on their shit but to do it in love and be assertive. You can correct without being a dick. Not many know how to do that. So now I am faced with a deep hard task of rebuilding my life. No resources and from scratch. My life is gone. Years of stuff disappeared and with the bare minimum. I just need to find out where to go. The Philippines not happening seems to be a blessing in disguise. I do not understand how a nation and people could be so corrupt and stand for it. How people can just wait and wait for things to happen because someone refuses to do their jobs. How people will let capitalism run their lives and even cause others to lose their lives and livelihood. Where you can promise the world but refuse to act when the time comes. That is apart of their culture which is so foreign and illogical to me. But this is just a small part of the world we live in.
After I ate something I came into myself and got to work. I began to write again about topics close to my heart. I remembered why I wanted this damn HR degree and started to write posts about issues in HR on Linkedin. Some of them won't make me friends with the recruiters and hiring managers, but its the truth. I realized I was trying to play their game and not make my own way. Hence why I continued to fail. I need to redraw my game plan. Be true to myself and my words. I know what I am saying is right and have empirical evidence to support it so I am going. I refuse to just accept what I will get. I am in control of my life and destiny and have to put me first. I have a plan. I am just throwing job darts and see what lands. Got a lead? Shoot it my way. Let me talk to those hiring managers and recruiters. Let me tell my story and get connected. Once I speak to a kindred spirit I am set.
These times of late have been hard. So much heart break and disappointment. So many lies and selfishness. So much self sacrifice and burden. The weight of the world is so hard to carry for this 31 year old man. But I see the load is about to lighten and I will step into my destiny. I am coming out of the wilderness. I want to go home. It burns my soul. I want to go back to Dallas and finish what I started. I want to put my roots there and begin to change that city. I want to help bring diversity and inclusion to a city where looks matter and who can sweet talk you the best wins. We have to change our focus. We need to hone in on education, knowledge and empowerment. One of the greatest moments I had last year was going into my old elementary school and letting this children know that they too have the power of knowledge. You can learn everything that their small minds can handle and excel. Its okay to be smart and intelligent. Don't buy into the hype that being smart isn't cool. Stay strong. We need good leaders because the path we are going down now is destined for failure.
I can tell you that during those two hours of not being distracted I started to think and hard. Your mind goes to some very hard places when you have to face reality. It started off as it will be okay. Then I started to question why were all these horrible things happening. I had done good things and have tried my best to help others when they needed it. Then I felt I was cursed and God hated me. Then it went to maybe there is no God and if He is there why would be keep rewarding those who do bad deeds and punish those who bring light to the world? I just didn't understand. I went into a moment of numbness waiting. I sat in the bed of the truck and decided to enjoy the nice weather and soak in the beautiful warm sun. Then I began to worry. If the locksmith did not arrive soon then there would be a new beast to tackle: darkness. When the sun sets the temp drops and fast. I had just left the gym so I was rocking a sleeveless shirt and was mighty sweaty. I only had a workout towel around my neck while I was wiping down the truck. I put in over my shoulders because the cold was coming. I decided to stand up and get moving. With no way to contact anyone and no knowing if help was coming it was rough. I was told the locksmith would be 45 minutes. Two hours later he arrives. He apologized and let me know that due to an apartment fire near by that he was really delayed. He tried his best to make it even taking back roads but he was blocked. I told him I wasn't going anywhere and glad he just arrived. After about 3 minutes to prying he got the truck open. I thanked him, paid and got moving. My sister sent our friend over to make sure I was fine. She arrived just as I was leaving.
I got home and just sat. I hadn't eaten all day and just felt numb. Its a weird feeling. I wasn't sad, upset, tired or irritated, I was just done. Done with being broken. Done with feeling like no one would help me. Done feeling stranded and abandoned. Done giving my everything to everyone else and then being shit out of luck. I learned this day I can still do great things but I am not meant to live a simple life. I am not meant to fit in. I am meant to ruffle feathers, to speak out, to call people out on their shit but to do it in love and be assertive. You can correct without being a dick. Not many know how to do that. So now I am faced with a deep hard task of rebuilding my life. No resources and from scratch. My life is gone. Years of stuff disappeared and with the bare minimum. I just need to find out where to go. The Philippines not happening seems to be a blessing in disguise. I do not understand how a nation and people could be so corrupt and stand for it. How people can just wait and wait for things to happen because someone refuses to do their jobs. How people will let capitalism run their lives and even cause others to lose their lives and livelihood. Where you can promise the world but refuse to act when the time comes. That is apart of their culture which is so foreign and illogical to me. But this is just a small part of the world we live in.
After I ate something I came into myself and got to work. I began to write again about topics close to my heart. I remembered why I wanted this damn HR degree and started to write posts about issues in HR on Linkedin. Some of them won't make me friends with the recruiters and hiring managers, but its the truth. I realized I was trying to play their game and not make my own way. Hence why I continued to fail. I need to redraw my game plan. Be true to myself and my words. I know what I am saying is right and have empirical evidence to support it so I am going. I refuse to just accept what I will get. I am in control of my life and destiny and have to put me first. I have a plan. I am just throwing job darts and see what lands. Got a lead? Shoot it my way. Let me talk to those hiring managers and recruiters. Let me tell my story and get connected. Once I speak to a kindred spirit I am set.
These times of late have been hard. So much heart break and disappointment. So many lies and selfishness. So much self sacrifice and burden. The weight of the world is so hard to carry for this 31 year old man. But I see the load is about to lighten and I will step into my destiny. I am coming out of the wilderness. I want to go home. It burns my soul. I want to go back to Dallas and finish what I started. I want to put my roots there and begin to change that city. I want to help bring diversity and inclusion to a city where looks matter and who can sweet talk you the best wins. We have to change our focus. We need to hone in on education, knowledge and empowerment. One of the greatest moments I had last year was going into my old elementary school and letting this children know that they too have the power of knowledge. You can learn everything that their small minds can handle and excel. Its okay to be smart and intelligent. Don't buy into the hype that being smart isn't cool. Stay strong. We need good leaders because the path we are going down now is destined for failure.
Sunday, December 6, 2015
Something for me
It is time to rebuild. For that to start I have to forgive and let go. After writing that last post I have spent the day resting and calming my mind and spirit. Then everything clicked. I know how to harvest my inner power and get things rolling. I know what I want and need. Now it is time for me to harvest that power I lost so long ago and make things happen. Here is to the future.
The Winners Creed:
(“The Winner’s Creed” is based on some of the affirmations found in Napoleon Hill’s book “Think and Grow Rich”; it comes from an older Tony Robbins’ event manual, from Life Mastery, Hawaii.)
I know that I have the ability to achieve my definite purpose in life:
therefore I demand of myself, persistent, continuous action towards
its attainment and I here and now promise to render such action.
I fully realize that no wealth or position will long endure
unless it is built upon truth and justice;
therefore I will engage in no transaction which does not benefit
all to whom it effects.
I am succeeding by attracting to myself the forces I wish to use
and the cooperation of other people.
I induce others to serve me because of my willingness to serve others.
I eliminate hatred, envy, jealousy, selfishness, cynicism, anger, and fear
by developing a true love for all humanity,
because I know that a negative attitude towards others
will never bring me success.
I cause others to believe in me because I believe in them
and believe in myself.
This is my creed, my quest.
To never stop striving for the top.
To always keep moving forward.
To always be the very best I can be.
I am the power. I am the magic. I cannot be stopped. I am a winner.
I promise to always be true to myself
because I am the creator and master of my universe
and I am responsible for making a positive difference in the world
and to the quality of life in it.
I live in constant and never-ending improvement.
therefore I demand of myself, persistent, continuous action towards
its attainment and I here and now promise to render such action.
I fully realize that no wealth or position will long endure
unless it is built upon truth and justice;
therefore I will engage in no transaction which does not benefit
all to whom it effects.
I am succeeding by attracting to myself the forces I wish to use
and the cooperation of other people.
I induce others to serve me because of my willingness to serve others.
I eliminate hatred, envy, jealousy, selfishness, cynicism, anger, and fear
by developing a true love for all humanity,
because I know that a negative attitude towards others
will never bring me success.
I cause others to believe in me because I believe in them
and believe in myself.
This is my creed, my quest.
To never stop striving for the top.
To always keep moving forward.
To always be the very best I can be.
I am the power. I am the magic. I cannot be stopped. I am a winner.
I promise to always be true to myself
because I am the creator and master of my universe
and I am responsible for making a positive difference in the world
and to the quality of life in it.
I live in constant and never-ending improvement.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Face to Face With the Demon
I wish I could say it is going to be okay. I wish this was all a bad dream and I will wake up and my happy life would return. Faith is a distant memory and hope slowly slips away. I try. I try to stay positive and listen to all the advice from friends and family. However, people never seem to realize what works for you doesn't do it for me. Depression is so much more than feeling sad or down. It is a state of mind of complete despair. Where you feel complete emptiness. I know I have things to do but have no drive to do them. Yes life could be worse but it does not feel that way.
I listen to the stories on the radio where Mark Zuckerburg said he is giving away his fortune during his lifetime because when you give you will get so much more in return. That's a verse in the Bible to. I know you will say I won't see it now and great things are coming but when? Why is it always a struggle? Why am I always being told no and that I am not good enough? I do my best. I try harder and perform better but still they want more: more experience, more education. Or they want less: Less education and me wanting less salary. I can't afford to live off of what legal and HR jobs are offering. I try to switch fields and I am instantly rejected because I don't fit. I start my own business and no one wants to pay you and they all want something for free. People will take the soul from you if they could if they knew it was free.
Positivity is a luxury I can't afford right now. I can't give any more of myself. I have to look out for me. I have to get to a safe place where I can come back to myself and feel at home. I have been wandering for so long and searching for that thing missing in life. Some will say you need to go to church. Did it. Started off great then it got dark. All about money and the people were so dark. Yes there were some great people to connect with but I can't go back there. It almost ruined my relationship and once we stopped giving we didn't matter. I can count on one hand how many people from church have reached out to me during all of this. Think about that.
Trying to explain to people who have never battled this illness is hard. They say be stronger and stay positive. But I got here by doing those things. I am tired. I am tired of being strong all the time. Sacrificing so much of myself for others and always saying one day I will do what I need for me. I just want to disappear. I want a job where I can be myself and use my talents. I want to be happy. I want to be around people who make me want to do better. I want my puppies to be happy and free. I don't want to worry and so tired of wondering if my life will always be like this. We are trained to think life will get better. Hope keeps up going. But that isn't the case for everyone. I could never understand why people took their lives. I felt it was selfish. Now I see. When hope is gone there is nothing to live for. Why? There is only going to be more heart ache and pain you will have to carry. The burden is hard. My shoulders are heavy and soul is tired. Just so tired. I don't know who I am any more. This isn't something new. I have been fighting this battle for years. I tried to tell someone when I was 18 and they dismissed it. It was a leader at the church. Go figure. So I learned to push it aside and not face it head on. Now I am here. It is staring me in the face and I have no where to run. When I do it hunts me down. I'm an tired of crying. I am tired of driving around and feeling like I am floating. Just existing not knowing where I am going in life. I just do things to do them. I wish someone could understand and help me like I need to be helped and not doing what is best for them. I need what's best for me.
I wish I had a Christmas tree and decorations. I gave it all away. I love the holidays. I let go of so much so others could find happiness and now I am paying for it. I don't understand this poetic justice. What have I done to deserve this darkness? What have I done to elicit the deepest isolation I have known? I have no drive to move forward. I will just be rejected as usual. Why try when you will just be told not yet, just wait or we can't help you. You are just another mouth to feed and burden on society. Where to go?
I listen to the stories on the radio where Mark Zuckerburg said he is giving away his fortune during his lifetime because when you give you will get so much more in return. That's a verse in the Bible to. I know you will say I won't see it now and great things are coming but when? Why is it always a struggle? Why am I always being told no and that I am not good enough? I do my best. I try harder and perform better but still they want more: more experience, more education. Or they want less: Less education and me wanting less salary. I can't afford to live off of what legal and HR jobs are offering. I try to switch fields and I am instantly rejected because I don't fit. I start my own business and no one wants to pay you and they all want something for free. People will take the soul from you if they could if they knew it was free.
Positivity is a luxury I can't afford right now. I can't give any more of myself. I have to look out for me. I have to get to a safe place where I can come back to myself and feel at home. I have been wandering for so long and searching for that thing missing in life. Some will say you need to go to church. Did it. Started off great then it got dark. All about money and the people were so dark. Yes there were some great people to connect with but I can't go back there. It almost ruined my relationship and once we stopped giving we didn't matter. I can count on one hand how many people from church have reached out to me during all of this. Think about that.
Trying to explain to people who have never battled this illness is hard. They say be stronger and stay positive. But I got here by doing those things. I am tired. I am tired of being strong all the time. Sacrificing so much of myself for others and always saying one day I will do what I need for me. I just want to disappear. I want a job where I can be myself and use my talents. I want to be happy. I want to be around people who make me want to do better. I want my puppies to be happy and free. I don't want to worry and so tired of wondering if my life will always be like this. We are trained to think life will get better. Hope keeps up going. But that isn't the case for everyone. I could never understand why people took their lives. I felt it was selfish. Now I see. When hope is gone there is nothing to live for. Why? There is only going to be more heart ache and pain you will have to carry. The burden is hard. My shoulders are heavy and soul is tired. Just so tired. I don't know who I am any more. This isn't something new. I have been fighting this battle for years. I tried to tell someone when I was 18 and they dismissed it. It was a leader at the church. Go figure. So I learned to push it aside and not face it head on. Now I am here. It is staring me in the face and I have no where to run. When I do it hunts me down. I'm an tired of crying. I am tired of driving around and feeling like I am floating. Just existing not knowing where I am going in life. I just do things to do them. I wish someone could understand and help me like I need to be helped and not doing what is best for them. I need what's best for me.
I wish I had a Christmas tree and decorations. I gave it all away. I love the holidays. I let go of so much so others could find happiness and now I am paying for it. I don't understand this poetic justice. What have I done to deserve this darkness? What have I done to elicit the deepest isolation I have known? I have no drive to move forward. I will just be rejected as usual. Why try when you will just be told not yet, just wait or we can't help you. You are just another mouth to feed and burden on society. Where to go?
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