Light in Darkness

Yesterday I had the opportunity to sit down and speak to someone about life. She was able to help me understand a few things and get life back on track. She pulled me out of the darkness and was able to help me start the healing process. As soon as I finished speaking with her I had a huge test. I went to wash my truck and for some odd reason my truck decided to lock unexpectedly. It has never done that before. My keys, wallet and phone were right there in front of me. Locked in my truck and no way to get them. So I had to ask for help. Two hours and $65 later I was able to get home. Long day was an understatement.

I can tell you that during those two hours of not being distracted I started to think and hard. Your mind goes to some very hard places when you have to face reality. It started off as it will be okay. Then I started to question why were all these horrible things happening. I had done good things and have tried my best to help others when they needed it. Then I felt I was cursed and God hated me. Then it went to maybe there is no God and if He is there why would be keep rewarding those who do bad deeds and punish those who bring light to the world? I just didn't understand. I went into a moment of numbness waiting. I sat in the bed of the truck and decided to enjoy the nice weather and soak in the beautiful warm sun. Then I began to worry. If the locksmith did not arrive soon then there would be a new beast to tackle: darkness. When the sun sets the temp drops and fast. I had just left the gym so I was rocking a sleeveless shirt and was mighty sweaty. I only had a workout towel around my neck while I was wiping down the truck. I put in over my shoulders because the cold was coming. I decided to stand up and get moving. With no way to contact anyone and no knowing if help was coming it was rough. I was told the locksmith would be 45 minutes. Two hours later he arrives. He apologized and let me know that due to an apartment fire near by that he was really delayed. He tried his best to make it even taking back roads but he was blocked. I told him I wasn't going anywhere and glad he just arrived. After about 3 minutes to prying he got the truck open. I thanked him, paid and got moving. My sister sent our friend over to make sure I was fine. She arrived just as I was leaving.

I got home and just sat. I hadn't eaten all day and just felt numb. Its a weird feeling. I wasn't sad, upset, tired or irritated, I was just done. Done with being broken. Done with feeling like no one would help me. Done feeling stranded and abandoned. Done giving my everything to everyone else and then being shit out of luck. I learned this day I can still do great things but I am not meant to live a simple life. I am not meant to fit in. I am meant to ruffle feathers, to speak out, to call people out on their shit but to do it in love and be assertive. You can correct without being a dick. Not many know how to do that. So now I am faced with a deep hard task of rebuilding my life. No resources and from scratch. My life is gone. Years of stuff disappeared and with the bare minimum. I just need to find out where to go. The Philippines not happening seems to be a blessing in disguise. I do not understand how a nation and people could be so corrupt and stand for it. How people can just wait and wait for things to happen because someone refuses to do their jobs. How people will let capitalism run their lives and even cause others to lose their lives and livelihood. Where you can promise the world but refuse to act when the time comes. That is apart of their culture which is so foreign and illogical to me. But this is just a small part of the world we live in.

After I ate something I came into myself and got to work. I began to write again about topics close to my heart. I remembered why I wanted this damn HR degree and started to write posts about issues in HR on Linkedin. Some of them won't make me friends with the recruiters and hiring managers, but its the truth. I realized I was trying to play their game and not make my own way. Hence why I continued to fail. I need to redraw my game plan. Be true to myself and my words. I know what I am saying is right and have empirical evidence to support it so I am going. I refuse to just accept what I will get. I am in control of my life and destiny and have to put me first. I have a plan. I am just throwing job darts and see what lands. Got a lead? Shoot it my way. Let me talk to those hiring managers and recruiters. Let me tell my story and get connected. Once I speak to a kindred spirit I am set.

These times of late have been hard. So much heart break and disappointment. So many lies and selfishness. So much self sacrifice and burden. The weight of the world is so hard to carry for this 31 year old man. But I see the load is about to lighten and I will step into my destiny. I am coming out of the wilderness. I want to go home. It burns my soul. I want to go back to Dallas and finish what I started. I want to put my roots there and begin to change that city. I want to help bring diversity and inclusion to a city where looks matter and who can sweet talk you the best wins. We have to change our focus. We need to hone in on education, knowledge and empowerment. One of the greatest moments I had last year was going into my old elementary school and letting this children know that they too have the power of knowledge. You can learn everything that their small minds can handle and excel. Its okay to be smart and intelligent. Don't buy into the hype that being smart isn't cool. Stay strong. We need good leaders because the path we are going down now is destined for failure.