I wish I could say it is going to be okay. I wish this was all a bad dream and I will wake up and my happy life would return. Faith is a distant memory and hope slowly slips away. I try. I try to stay positive and listen to all the advice from friends and family. However, people never seem to realize what works for you doesn't do it for me. Depression is so much more than feeling sad or down. It is a state of mind of complete despair. Where you feel complete emptiness. I know I have things to do but have no drive to do them. Yes life could be worse but it does not feel that way.
I listen to the stories on the radio where Mark Zuckerburg said he is giving away his fortune during his lifetime because when you give you will get so much more in return. That's a verse in the Bible to. I know you will say I won't see it now and great things are coming but when? Why is it always a struggle? Why am I always being told no and that I am not good enough? I do my best. I try harder and perform better but still they want more: more experience, more education. Or they want less: Less education and me wanting less salary. I can't afford to live off of what legal and HR jobs are offering. I try to switch fields and I am instantly rejected because I don't fit. I start my own business and no one wants to pay you and they all want something for free. People will take the soul from you if they could if they knew it was free.
Positivity is a luxury I can't afford right now. I can't give any more of myself. I have to look out for me. I have to get to a safe place where I can come back to myself and feel at home. I have been wandering for so long and searching for that thing missing in life. Some will say you need to go to church. Did it. Started off great then it got dark. All about money and the people were so dark. Yes there were some great people to connect with but I can't go back there. It almost ruined my relationship and once we stopped giving we didn't matter. I can count on one hand how many people from church have reached out to me during all of this. Think about that.
Trying to explain to people who have never battled this illness is hard. They say be stronger and stay positive. But I got here by doing those things. I am tired. I am tired of being strong all the time. Sacrificing so much of myself for others and always saying one day I will do what I need for me. I just want to disappear. I want a job where I can be myself and use my talents. I want to be happy. I want to be around people who make me want to do better. I want my puppies to be happy and free. I don't want to worry and so tired of wondering if my life will always be like this. We are trained to think life will get better. Hope keeps up going. But that isn't the case for everyone. I could never understand why people took their lives. I felt it was selfish. Now I see. When hope is gone there is nothing to live for. Why? There is only going to be more heart ache and pain you will have to carry. The burden is hard. My shoulders are heavy and soul is tired. Just so tired. I don't know who I am any more. This isn't something new. I have been fighting this battle for years. I tried to tell someone when I was 18 and they dismissed it. It was a leader at the church. Go figure. So I learned to push it aside and not face it head on. Now I am here. It is staring me in the face and I have no where to run. When I do it hunts me down. I'm an tired of crying. I am tired of driving around and feeling like I am floating. Just existing not knowing where I am going in life. I just do things to do them. I wish someone could understand and help me like I need to be helped and not doing what is best for them. I need what's best for me.
I wish I had a Christmas tree and decorations. I gave it all away. I love the holidays. I let go of so much so others could find happiness and now I am paying for it. I don't understand this poetic justice. What have I done to deserve this darkness? What have I done to elicit the deepest isolation I have known? I have no drive to move forward. I will just be rejected as usual. Why try when you will just be told not yet, just wait or we can't help you. You are just another mouth to feed and burden on society. Where to go?
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