Rebuilding

I wasn't intending to write this post at all but it is necessary. Its funny how things happen to bring out the right things at the right time. The past two days I have been being feeling on edge and unsettled. I decided to go dance last night at Zumba to get things back on track. Great class and after I was invigorated all night. This meant a hard time getting to sleep. I caught up on my latest Dance Moms episode and saw that Fuller House was being released on Netflix tonight. 2am rolled around and boom there it was. I started to watch and wow. So many memories. I got 3/4 of the way through and decided to call it a night. All of this will connect soon so keep reading. I am laying the puzzle pieces out slowly.

Work has been crazy to say in the least this week. So much confusion. I also was told after 3 months of interviewing I was passed over for another position. I am not upset but disappointed. I hate wasting time. Americans are too systematically polite and it causes too much confusion instead of saying no from the get. My current employer let us know that we would receive an email when to come in today due to technical issues. At 9:30am it finally came in and 11am arrival time. I opted out and will return Monday once things even out and they figure out what they need to do. Also this weekend I am judging a ton of cheer tryouts and will be heading to Houston to move out the last of my stuff.

About a week ago I called my mom and asked about the pups. She said they are fine and missing me. I miss them so much and I know our reunion is coming soon. But I am worried. Soon I will have my own place and a job. I will have to again take care of them by myself. I am terrified. The last time almost broke me. I was so overwhelmed and hurt. Now they stay outside so much at mom's and have someone to watch them most of the day. They are rarely crated and I am going to have to put them back into that life. Yes I can hire a sitter, walker, and send them to daycare but I feel I need to be there for them. Also my student loans are kicking in faster than I expected so everything is solely on me. Two years ago it was different. I can take care of me alone but now I have two defenseless beings who depend on me for everything. Its terrifying.

Now the connection. Today since I decided to stay in and prepare for the weekend I watched the last of Fuller House while eating breakfast. DJs family was preparing to leave and she was stressed out dealing with her three kids, all of their activities, moving, work and just life. She broke down and said she was terrified how she was going to make this work. I began to tear up during this part and literally cried for the next ten minutes because the emotions came rolling in like a wave. This was me. Everything she was experiencing and going through was my life exactly. Having her husband die and being left alone to run their worlds on her own. Its hard and exhausting. You can only be a super hero for so long. Her family stepped up to help and it is going to shape up to be a good season. I have had that and I am so thankful but I am beyond scared to be alone again. I never thought I would ever say that. I know I will find a way to make it but man I can't describe how terrified I am. Part of it is that I haven't fully healed yet. I don't know if I ever will only time will tell.

Stepping into this huge unknown is mystifying. I don't know how to feel. I am excited, scared, and apprehensive. Nothing is taking shape yet it is. Faith and hope can only take you so far. Sometimes you need a little solid evidence to show you guess what its getting better.