Death to the Revolving Door

I need to write this. I have to put these emotions into some tangible form. The burden of carrying these thoughts around locked up is heavy. So much has happened in such a short amount of time. I am still trying to process everything but the outlook at the moment is bleak. 

I will begin with where things started to go bad: Houston. A little less than a year ago we left our home in Dallas for Houston for better opportunities. Everything that was supposed to play out here completely fizzled. Barely getting by has been an understatement. The toll on me has been rough. My emotional, mental and physical well being have been completely destroyed. Hope was lost. Then there was the chance to start all over and go to the Philippines. Yet again another opportunity pulled from in front of me. You can imagine giving up your whole life and then finding out you cannot go. Now I am stuck here in Houston with no way to get out. Alone and unsupported. It hurts because when everyone else has needed help I have made sure they have what they needed without hesitation. Now the thing I continue to hear is wait. I am sorry but there is nothing I can do for you. Sorry. It hurts. A lot. So many empty promises and people telling you that they will do whatever to help you but then they disappear. I just don't get it. To me your word is your bond. If you say you will deliver then you need to do it. You made a bond. If you don't deliver then people do not have a reason to trust a word that comes out of your mouth because actions speak volumes. 

I just don't understand how my life is playing out. We were told to go to school and then the world would be opened to us. Not really. Get more education and take those loans and you will pay them off in no time. Nope how about 40+ years now. Ok you have three degrees now so people will want to hire you instantly. Nope. Everyone wants experience and when you tell them you do then it isn't good enough or someone with 10-20 years experience takes the job because those baby boomers continue to work. The older workforce continues to work while the younger people are clawing at entry level jobs we cant even afford to live off of. This dream sold to us has been a lie while corporate America continues to profit. Just keep waiting it will happen one day. Our biggest thing to keep us going has been our biggest downfall: Hope. It has been used as a weapon to get people to do things they never would have done. Do you think I would have given up my happiness and stability for a pipe dream? No. I was sold hope for something better than what I had now and that I had to make a sacrifice. Now it has led to one of the sadness and darkest moments of my life. I sit in a dark room with hardly any sunlight surrounded by people who have no respect for others. My dogs are sad and they don't understand why they can't leave this place and why they do not have a yard. They have been promised a yard for a year now and still nothing. Disappointment should be my middle name.

You can imagine all of this broke me and led me into a dark depression. I had everything I needed to begin my life in a home. Then I was told I could not take it with me across the globe so it had to go. Then it was sorry you can't come so you need everything you had before. I gave away my life for free to help other better themselves out of terrible places and my kindness has lead to my downfall. The sad thing is that when I was an asshole to people I was the most successful I was in my life. When I told people I could careless about them and worried about myself I had not one worry. I gave up my house, my car, my city, a performing job I loved. Basically everything that makes me who I am I sacrificed for the happiness of another and now just more promises are being made while I sit in misery. Yeah it sounds dramatic but its the truth. I try to water things down because not many people can absorb the full force of what my life is. I don't say everything because somethings just go best unsaid. But this here had to be said. It had to come out because me c holding on to this hurt and sadness is killing me. 

I am back where I was 5 years ago. When I couldn't support myself and I had no outlook. I have been through too much to be back here. How did it happen? I know how and I was warned not to take this road and now I am living the consequences. The price to recover from this will be heavy and high. I will have to pay it. The last thing I have to give is my soul. I literally have nothing else to my name. I have thought of plan after plan and tried so much with nothing. Not a word. I do have a support system who is ready to help me and I do thank them. I don't want to pull that trigger until it is time. I hate being indebted to people. I feel it is a mountain I can never climb to truly be free again. Debt is something that is considered normal in our society but I despise it. It makes me nervous because it is a form of slavery. I know my friends will say it is a gift and I appreciate that but I will want to repay it when I can. The thing is that I don't think I will be able to anytime soon. I have always been able to get by but now its like my whole world has fallen apart and there's no way fix it. 

I hope one day I can look back on this message and think how far I have come. I will always consult these words before a big life decision is made. I do want to go home. I want to settle down and rebuild in a place of safety and love. The older I get the harder it is to pick up and go. I am tired and broken. I went home the first time to heal and ended up even more broken. I gave up all that I had and now I have nothing. I am still at a loss for words. All I can ask myself is why? What good has come of this and from where I am sitting not much.