Enter The Winter Solstice

As the incense burns my mind opens. My heart calms and I can begin. My spirit has been urging me to write today.  I was sitting at the office and I have been drawn to do this therefore it has to happen. I have no idea what words will appear here but I will just let my mind and soul flow and see what comes of it. So if these words some foreign or untamed, good. Appreciate that. Take a moment to absorb the message and understand. Break your traditional concepts and theories. Read this passage outside of the box. Stop trying to categorize everything and just feel the words as you take them in. You will understand and have a completely different experience if you let go.

We are entering the Winter Solstice. This is the time of the year where we have the shortest day and longest night of the transpiring. In a way it is a parallel to my year. Little light and a great deal of darkness. So lost, confused, hurt and abandoned. So many lows and so much pain. But now I am beginning to heal. Slowly. It needs to be slow. I need to rebuild myself into the person I am destined to be. This will take time. I need to appreciate the process. I need to understand why each thing is happening. Many spiritual leaders who have spoken to me have told me that I have always followed my heart. It has always led me on the right path and I need to continue to do that. I have a great destiny to fulfill. This time has taught me many lessons to shape and mold me. I have transcended the person I was each time shedding a layer and going deeper into a sense of self awareness and understanding.

The hardest part to explain to people who do not understand the process is the location. Why back and forth? If I truly knew I would tell you. But I do feel that is coming to an end. I see this anchor in my mind and have this deep yearning to go home. Until I get there my life will not have peace and this pain will not cease. I am not where I need to be. Imagine a fish trying to survive on the land when he needs water to survive. That is me. I sacrificed my water so that another could grow. It took me to the point of self destruction. Now I have the opportunity to do what I need for me without apologies and regret. I know where I need to be. I know where I need to go. It is already written and things are lining up to bring me there. Then I can begin my true work and start to shape myself to my higher purpose.

So many people tell me your life confuses me. Good. I am not to be understood by those who are not ready to understand. Have you tried to learn organic chemistry before you have taken Intro to Chem or Biology? No. There are concepts you need to master before you can move on. I am one of those. To the untrained mind this might come off as arrogant and prideful but that is the furthest from the truth. I am saying that when you only try to see what's on the surface and not dive deeper you will be confused and frustrated.

I don't question their lives because it is none of my business. Few truly know me and have seen me fully vulnerable. Those who understand see a different layer of me because they take the time to calm their minds and remove all the junk we are fed daily by the media and society. The see the struggle and comprehend the lessons from it. I am meant to teach and guide those lost along their journey. I have a spiritual gift where I can see and feel the pain, sorrow, joy and basically anything another person is going through. You can imagine it is a great gift and burden. I have to prepare myself mentally to go places because when I am out the anxious, chaotic and reckless energy is everywhere. It makes me so nervous and it is hard to absorb. I still have to master how to deflect all of that and walk in my own thoughts and feelings without taking on that of others. So I would rather stay home and enjoy an intimate evening with friends discussing moments over some wine instead of clubbing or partying. The thrill is gone.

I have made some goals for myself for 2016. It is a very important year. Time is up. I have to act. The first purpose is what I call the March to 80. What is that? 80 pounds have to go. I have to shed this weight. I never understood why it kept piling on then it hit me. Protection. I have been so hurt and used the past five years my body is terrified to let go of the weight. It feels I need to stay safe and keep it. I have to let it go and with that a lifetime of emotions and toxins. It is literally killing me. Its time to let it go. I have to do it for me. The drive is back. Its an obsession. I have been drawn to run for months now and I know that is how I will accomplish this task. I have to do it. I know where to go and who to help me along the way. It will be difficult. There will be tears, pain and hurt but I can start to peel away the layers of myself and once I am done see the man who has always been aside so scared to show himself.

Next I will do the things I want to do that give my heart joy. I miss and love dancing. A lot. It makes me sad I have lost that and I need it back. I want to share my photography skills with those who deserve it. I have done shoots I shouldn't have done and the end results frustrated me because my heart wasn't in it. I want to cook and create new things. I love sharing the amazing meals I have prepared with love with those I care about. I finally want to clean. I think I will take two clients each week and clean their homes as a side business. One day I would love to own my own cleaning service and Washateria. I love making dirty things clean. I bring order to chaos. I am a Libra. I need balance. I stand between the dark and the light. I am grey. If you know where that last statement comes from you will be my best friend.

So here it is. Written for all to see. I am a broken man healing. I am not perfect. I wanted to give up when I was torn apart and felt I had nothing left to give. I had to realize that I needed to live for me. It is fine to say no. I can ask for forgiveness and say I made a mistake and come home humbled and inspired. I miss joy. Hope. I see you. Thank you for coming back. You never left but my grief caused my eyes and heart to swell clouding my vision. I'm going home. Soon I can sit down as the sun hits my skin and I can say it is going to be okay. I am at peace and I can begin my work. The time is now.